The Hundred-Life Villain

“Heh heh! This humble Daoist’s Dharma name is Grape!”

Du Chen lay on the ground, staring pitifully at the old Daoist who was chanting Buddhist mantras before him. The old man’s chubby face was wreathed in a benign smile, his Daoist robe stained with grease. There was a blob of butter on his left sleeve, cream on his right shoulder, a caramel-brown chicken wing tucked into the sash at his waist, and in his hands, he clutched a plump, glistening crystal trotter, devouring it like a famished beast.

The old Daoist squatted beside Du Chen, still gnawing on the trotter with one hand, while his other greasy, dirty hand patted Du Chen’s cheek. “Little fellow, want to eat? If you want to eat, just say so. If you don’t say anything, how will I know you want to eat? If you want to eat, just tell me, and once you do, I’ll know you want to eat…”

“Daoist priest, are you very familiar with Tang Sanzang?” Du Chen’s head spun from the incessant mumbling, but he was currently wrapped up like a mummy in the old Daoist’s foot-binding cloth, only his head left exposed. He couldn’t fathom how the old Daoist’s foot-binding cloth could be so incredibly long!

“Oh? How did you know I know Tang Sanzang? Heh heh, I’m quite familiar with his master, Tathagata, too! In the future, if you go to the Western Pure Land and any bald monks bully you, just mention my name – Grape!”

“Daoist priest, I was wrong, I don’t want to go to the Western Pure Land! Please, venerable sir, be magnanimous and let me go! I’ll never dare to steal from you again!”

When under someone’s roof, one must bow one’s head. Du Chen confessed with fervent piety, yet his eyes darted slyly around the walls, searching for an opportunity to escape!

This was a Daoist temple, perched atop an unnamed small mountain, dilapidated and almost a ruin.

And Du Chen was a thief, a highly skilled thief!

A moment ago, Du Chen had come to the temple to steal, only to be struck down by the old Daoist with a crystal trotter, then bound up with foot-binding cloth. Even now, the back of his head still throbbed amidst a lingering aroma of meat!

The old Daoist pulled out the chicken wing from his waist and forcefully struck Du Chen’s forehead. “Look at those thievish eyes of yours, already plotting how to escape, aren’t you? Let me tell you, any petty thief who falls into this humble Daoist’s hands gets sent to the Western Pure Land to become a monk!”

“Daoist priest, I’m only in my twenties, I can’t go to the Western Pure Land yet!” Du Chen pleaded bitterly. He had been stealing since he was five, caught countless times, and had long perfected the act of begging for mercy. Tears and snot streamed down his face, his eyes sincere, his lips trembling slightly. “Please don’t kill me, Daoist priest! I have a two-year-old child waiting to be fed at home! If you let me go, I’ll erect a longevity tablet for you, have my son take your surname, and inherit your incense offerings!”

The old Daoist chewed on the trotter meat in his mouth, pouting and mumbling, “Boy, you’re truly rotten! Do you even have a son? Hmph!”

He swallowed the meat, staring intently at Du Chen, enunciating each word: “You, are, a, virgin!”

Du Chen was utterly startled, blurting out, “How did you know?!”

“Because I am Grape!” The old Daoist’s expression turned solemn. Then he counted on his fingers, raising an eyebrow with a boastful smile. “Aha, you are quite pitiful, aren’t you? An orphan since childhood, stealing to feed yourself since five, nearly starving to death at seven and nine! Tsk tsk, Amitabha, Amitabha! But you bloody well shouldn’t have stolen this humble Daoist’s jade pendant!?”

Du Chen wouldn't believe anyone could tell fortunes. He speculated that this old Daoist was some expert hired by one of Du Chen’s past enemies, who had first investigated his background and then specifically set this up to teach him a lesson.

But Du Chen still gaped, wide-eyed, at the old Daoist. “You can tell fortunes? So accurate!” He glanced at the milky-white jade pendant at the old Daoist’s waist and chuckled obsequiously. “It’s not entirely my fault; with your esteemed presence and demeanor, one look and it’s clear you’re an enlightened master. So, whatever you possess must be a treasure! You see, I’m a thief; how could I not be tempted when I see treasure?”

The old Daoist was quite pleased with this flattery, nodding. “Indeed, what you say is reasonable. This matter isn’t your fault. If anyone’s to blame, it’s this humble Daoist’s dazzling aura and demeanor…”

“Then, honored elder, could you… heh heh, perhaps become friends and let me go?”

“Life and death are determined by fate! Come, tell me your birth details, and this humble Daoist will examine your destiny. If you, young man, are nothing special…” He widened his eyes threateningly. “This humble Daoist will send you to the Western Pure Land to become a monk!”

Du Chen was convinced that the old Daoist before him was an expert seeking revenge. He chuckled, “My birth is on the first day of the first lunar month, at the hour of Zi! What do you think, esteemed elder?”

“Strange!” The old Daoist looked Du Chen up and down, smacking his lips. “First day of the first lunar month, hour of Zi, with prosperous Metal in the Five Elements. People born at this hour should be rolling in wealth, so how did you end up nearly starving to death?! Could it be that you committed some evil deeds in your past life, and this life you deserve to starve?!”

The old Daoist tossed aside the trotter, his hands wandering over Du Chen’s body with an air and posture as if he were fondling the crystal trotter from earlier!

“Daoist priest, I don’t have any special hobbies! Please, venerable sir, have mercy; I’m still a virgin!”

“Boy, what are you thinking? This humble Daoist has no interest in men! Hmph, you’re not a little nun!”

The old Daoist clicked his tongue, shaking his head constantly, his hands forming divination gestures as he sighed. “Alas, no wonder you suffer so much in this life! Turns out you were a bandit in your past life, killing many people!”

Du Chen chuckled. “Daoist priest, you can tell my past life?”

“Hmph, this humble Daoist can even tell your life before your past life! Come, let me touch you again!” The old Daoist again gave him a rough pat-down, then suddenly jumped up, picked up the trotter, and took a big bite!

“W-wait!! Your life before your past life, you were a womanizer! Two lives in a row, committing evil deeds, yet still reincarnated as a human! Are you related to the Niu family?” (Niu, 牛, can mean 'cow' or 'awesome' in slang.)

Du Chen shook his head helplessly. “My surname is Du!”

“That won’t do! You’re so awesome, how can you not be surnamed Niu?!” The old Daoist continued to prod Du Chen. “Come, let this humble Daoist see your third life before this one!”

“Immeasurable Heavenly Venerate! Three lives ago, you were a corrupt official! How strange! How could you still be human? Three consecutive lives as a villain—you should be in hell! Did Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva miss you out?!”

The old Daoist continued to prod, his greasy, chubby face growing more and more astonished. “Four lives ago, you were a woman, and you murdered your husband!”

“Five lives ago, you rebelled and were a traitor…”

“Six lives ago, you trafficked children…”

…

“Twenty-seven lives ago, you ran a black inn!”

…

“Forty-eight lives ago, you sold out your own father!”

…

“Eighty-one lives ago, you sold fake medicine!”

…

“Ninety-nine lives ago, you… you actually dug up someone’s ancestral grave, stole their heirloom, and then used it to swindle a blind young widow!”

The old Daoist slumped beside Du Chen, slapping his chest, utterly dumbfounded. “Brother, are you related to Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva? Any one of these ninety-nine lives would have been enough to send you to hell, yet… yet you’re still a human!”

Du Chen was so bored by the rambling he was nearly asleep. He sighed, thinking, *So I’ve met a lunatic today! What bad luck!*

“Daoist priest, since you’re so capable, why not make it a round number? Tell me what I was doing a hundred lives ago!” Du Chen joked.

“Let me rest for a bit!”

The old Daoist was sweating profusely, beads of perspiration running down his greasy cheeks. After resting for a few minutes, he prodded Du Chen again. “Immeasurable Heavenly Venerate! A hundred lives ago, you were a corvée laborer!”

“Hey, not bad, I finally did something good for once!” Du Chen chuckled.

“Good person? Hmph!” The old Daoist glared indignantly. “You were a laborer building the Great Wall, but you cut corners, causing the Wall to collapse! And then, you saw a woman named Meng Jiang Nü mourning her deceased husband, so you framed her, insisting she cried the Great Wall down!!”

Du Chen wanted to stand up and kick him, but he was still bound. “You old lunatic! Why don’t you just say I was responsible for the burning of books and burying of scholars too?!”

The old Daoist paid no mind to Du Chen’s sarcasm. He circled Du Chen a few times, then said, “No, someone like you must be sent to the Western Pure Land to become a monk!”

With that, he picked up the large trotter, intending to smash Du Chen to death with it!

“Daoist priest, have mercy!” Du Chen cried out in alarm; he certainly didn’t want to die at the hands of a lunatic! “You possess great divine powers, can you think of another way to teach me a lesson?”

The old Daoist paused, gnawing on the trotter as he spoke. “Other methods… Ah, I’ve got it!” His eyes lit up, shining even more brilliantly than the grease on the trotter.

“You are a Hundred-Life Villain! Immeasurable Heavenly Venerate, that cultivation method is absolutely perfect for you!! Boy, get up and acknowledge this humble Daoist as your master!”

He untied Du Chen’s foot-binding cloth and tossed it casually aside.

Du Chen stood up, stretched his limbs, and curled his lips into a smile. “Old lunatic, let’s say our goodbyes!”

He turned and sprinted away.

Thump!

As Du Chen reached the temple gate, he seemed to hit an invisible wall of energy, which bounced him right back.

Du Chen was stunned, turning to look at the old Daoist. The old Daoist casually threw the foot-binding cloth out again. It seemed to gain sentience, flying like a gray snake towards Du Chen and binding him once more.

“You, you’re… a monster!” Du Chen shrieked in terror.

This wasn’t just an old lunatic; he clearly wielded demonic arts!

“Pah! Demonic arts? These are immortal arts!” The old Daoist beckoned, pulling Du Chen towards him, then threw him to the ground, sitting on his chest to lecture him. “Good heavens, what’s wrong with people these days? Back then, some people would kneel for days and nights in front of this humble Daoist’s door just to become a disciple! Yet you actually tried to escape, how strange! Has this old Daoist’s reputation fallen so low?”

Du Chen trembled all over, bravely asking, “You, honored elder, are you… truly an immortal?”

“Didn’t I tell you? This humble Daoist is very familiar with Tathagata!”

Du Chen no longer knew what he was doing. An immortal! There really were immortals! He absolutely couldn’t miss this opportunity!

“Master, please get up; I am willing to become your disciple!” he shouted.

“No need, I’ll teach you just like this!”

The old Daoist stood up, flipped Du Chen over, tore open the foot-binding cloth and Du Chen’s pants, then slapped Du Chen’s left buttock hard. “With this mark, heh heh, you’re mine!”

Du Chen struggled to turn his head to look. There were dozens of dense lotus tattoos on his buttocks, all in bud form, not a single one bloomed!

The old Daoist pointed at his buttock and explained, “Disciple, see? The thing I’m passing on to you is called the 《Lotus Seal of Purity》, and these lotuses are your progress. When they all bloom, your divine art will be perfected, and you can go drink with Tathagata Buddha and the Jade Emperor!”

Du Chen secretly rejoiced, eagerly asking, “Master, how do I cultivate?”

“Cultivation… simple!”

The old Daoist extended a finger, wiggling it before Du Chen. “Only one method: you must do good deeds. The more and greater the good deeds, the faster the lotuses will bloom!”

“Heh! Actually, this cultivation method relies on doing good deeds and accumulating immortal’s spiritual power! For you, a Hundred-Life Villain, it’s truly perfect!”

“It’s that simple?” Du Chen couldn’t believe it. “Then… are there no other secret techniques or moves?”

“Heh heh, none! But look at the shape of these lotuses…”

Under the old Daoist’s guidance, Du Chen looked and saw that the lotuses on his buttock were faintly arranged in an Eight Trigram pattern.

“These are called Eight Trigram Lotuses. Each trigram that opens will bring you some benefits. As for what those benefits are, you’ll discover them in due time! In any case, you won’t be disappointed!”

Du Chen couldn’t stop smiling. He couldn’t believe that such an immortal opportunity had fallen into his lap.

“Oh, right, first I’ll tell you one benefit: after practicing this humble Daoist’s cultivation method, you will achieve eternal life and never fall into the Six Paths of Reincarnation! That is… immortality!”

Du Chen was already grinning foolishly.

What was happening today? Had all the hardships of his twenty-plus years been compensated for all at once?

“Master, just keep doing good deeds, and that’s it?” He wanted to confirm if it was really that simple!

“That’s right! And it only counts how many good deeds you do, regardless of how many bad deeds you’ve done, as long as you don’t do evil while performing good deeds! However…”

The old Daoist squinted, as if teasing Du Chen. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”

Du Chen nodded.

“I have bad news for you. This 《Lotus Seal of Purity》 is a virgin cultivation art; you cannot approach women before perfecting it!”

Du Chen’s face changed.

The old Daoist continued to chuckle. “Furthermore, it becomes increasingly difficult to advance in the later stages. For the first trigram, helping an old lady cross the road will yield much progress, but by the eighth trigram… tsk tsk, saving all of humanity, something like that, will be enough!”

Du Chen anxiously asked, “Then how many years will it take me to complete so many good deeds?!”

“No rush, since you won’t enter the Six Paths of Reincarnation, what are you afraid of?! Just slowly do good deeds! A thousand years, maybe eight hundred, should be about right.”

The old Daoist peered at Du Chen’s lower body, then chuckled again. “I warn you, don’t ever approach women before the cultivation method is perfected, otherwise… this 《Lotus Seal of Purity》 will help you purify your body!” (a euphemism for castration).

“You… so I have to wait thousands of years before I can approach women?!” Du Chen roared.

“I’m not cultivating it, I quit! Expel me from your sect!”

The old Daoist stood up and removed the foot-binding cloth from Du Chen. “Too late!”

Du Chen stood up, pleading, “Daoist priest, look, I’m a Hundred-Life Villain; how disgraceful would it be for you to accept a disciple like me?”

“You’re bad? I have a disciple even worse than you, the one who knelt for days and nights in front of my door!”

“But I’m a thief!”

“What kind of thief are you? My other disciple stole the Celestial Pills of Lao Zi and the Peaches of Immortality from the Queen Mother of the West. Compared to him, what are you?!”

“But… but…” Du Chen cried, struggling to find words. “You’re making me a living eunuch; it’s better to just send me to the Western Pure Land to become a monk!”

“Heh heh, I’ve already sent one disciple there; I don’t want to send a second!”

A propitious cloud suddenly arose beneath the old Daoist’s feet. He ascended gently, waving his hand. “Disciple, to be able to approach women, strive to do good deeds! Your master bids farewell for now!”

Suddenly, the old Daoist vanished on his cloud!

Du Chen was first startled, then erupted in curses. “You old lunatic! I’m still a virgin! It’s over, I’m going to be a thousand-year-old virgin…”

Turning back in frustration, Du Chen looked at the lotuses on his buttocks, still seething with anger, and cursed at the sky. “Damn it, who would be idiotic enough to kneel for days and nights in front of a lunatic like him?!”

*Slap!*

Suddenly, someone patted Du Chen’s shoulder.

Du Chen quickly turned his head to look. It was a scrawny, monkey-faced monk with sharp features.

“Brother, which way did that old swindler go just now?”

Du Chen was taken aback. When did this monk arrive? He hadn’t seen him. Could this monk also be an immortal?

Thinking this, he cautiously asked, “Who are you?”

“I am that ‘idiot’ you spoke of, who knelt for days and nights in front of the old lunatic’s door, and stole Lao Zi’s celestial pills and the Queen Mother of the West’s peaches of immortality!”

Du Chen’s expression froze, then he forced a chuckle. “Ah, then you must be my Senior Brother! Senior Brother, what is your esteemed surname?”

“My humble surname is Sun! Just call me Senior Brother Wukong!”

*Plop!*

Du Chen’s butt hit the ground.

The monk frowned. “Damn it, how could Master accept such a useless disciple? You’re truly disgracing Mount Xianyue’s Slanted Moon Cave! Boy, even though you’re my junior brother, how dare you curse me! This old Sun curses you to be an idiot in your next life!”

With that, he too vanished!

…

From then on, the world gained a strange individual who performed good deeds by day and stole things by night!

Soon after, Du Chen’s first lotus half-bloomed. Then, during an act of heroic righteousness, he gloriously sacrificed himself…

“Old lunatic! How dare you lie to me! What about eternal life?!”

This was the next day’s newspaper headline – “‘Thief’ Martyr’s Last Call!”